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Depression and Journaling

Ok, lets get heavy for a moment.

When Agent M was born, i like many other mums out there developed a horrible condition known as PND ... Post Natal Depression.

Cut to several years later and i still have that venomous little monster on my back.

**I recently started watching Game of thrones and the best way i can describe depression to those who have never suffered is to refer to the White walkers. Everyone was under the impression that they were gone but then the darkness creeps in and they wake up. Everything and everyone they touch turns to darkness and there is no escape when it gets hold of you. You can only try to ride it out till the winter ends and the summer brings the happiness. Deep down you will never really forget what can happen if the winter comes back.

At my absolute worst when Agent M was about 3 and my brain had decided that 3am was the best time to start remembering all the horrible things i would rather forget. having not slept properly in days, i got up and started to write out all the things in my life that made me smile or that i should be grateful for.

It was a struggle at first as i would just pick apart at everything but it eventually started to become a rather respectable list.

Years later i still have a page in my Filofax called "things that make me smile" which include
  • M coming through for cuddles in the morning
  • That first cup of coffee of the day 
  • Seeing my mum and sister
  • Costa coffee Lemon cake
  • getting nice things in the mail
  • a long lie
  • watching the snow fall
  • listening to the rain while I'm snuggled up in bed
  • Chinese food etc

Now, having depression when Agent M was little was made all the more worse cause i feel like i missed out on the special moments when he was growing up. All my thoughts and feelings were so negative that i didn't have the opportunity to enjoy him going through all his mile stones. His first birthday for example all i remember was being stuck in the kitchen cooking, fighting with his dad and crying in the bathroom. Not exactly memories to cherish.

Ive tried to keep diaries but they never last long so when i discovered a blog by a lady called Christie Zimmer and found her journal pages i jumped on the chance to try something new to 'encourage summer' so to speak. I printed out a couple of her pages and carried them around in my bag. Whenever i started to feel a dark mood creeping up i would note down all the good things going on in my life and try to focus on them.

The original 50 free printables aren't available anymore but i found Christie again on her blog Adventures in Guided Journaling and she has some beautiful printables that are available for free here

I downloaded some and had them printed out so i can keep a record of some of the good things as well as memories from day to day life. They come in colour or no colour so u can decide which you want.

She even has pages for kids that Agent M was thrilled about. I got him loads of pages printed so he can fill them in and we can look back when hes older

On her page is a link to her Etsy shop which i took a look at and found these beautiful little pocket journals. Having sold some things on EBay, i thought id treat myself to something that would be really beneficial to me and i wasn't disappointed. They are small enough to fit in the pocket of my Filofax so i can carry them about with me and the prompts in them really get the brain thinking of the different things that i have going on in my life on a day to day basis that i don't really focus on.

*the white thing is one of two cards that came with ... one of which was coloured in and sent to my sister.

I cant sing Christie's praised high enough ... shes a very talented artist and her pages have got me through some dark times.

Thanks millions :)