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Winter is coming

I'm sorry.

Sorry for my absence from the blogging world.

Sorry from the absence on social media.

Sorry for the absence in my general day to day life.

For even when i was physically there, mentally I'm stuck in the oncoming winter with the dark demons scratching at the door.

Its safe to say ...

The last few weeks have been a struggle for me to keep my head metaphorically above water.

Starting college and getting into a new routine hasn't been the easiest as Agent M has decided he wants to act out. I don't know if its just cause hes 7 and wants to go through his own 'difficult stage' or he's genuinely just not wanting to listen or do anything hes told. Its beyond frustrating when your used to having a child that was relatively well behaved just turn on you. Agent D who isn't too thrilled at the back chat or defiance either which makes things awkward when hes here.

Ive spent the last few weeks dealing with alot of hostility and aggression from the people that should be there for me to turn to. Be it a family member who doesn't respect my views and wishes as a parent or arguments with some that are over the most stupid things with others that just leave me completely gobsmacked that its even happening.

Its hard not to feel like the contributing factor when i look back on it all. People seem to be getting aggressive around/toward me so it makes sense that I'm the cause. I just don't know how to make it better.

But that's just what it's like to be depressed. 

You just cant make it better. 

Having depression is like having an illness like everyone else. You cant just get over it. But people expect you too. 

Your not supposed to be feeling lonely when your in a relationship. 
Your not supposed to feel miserable when you've got a kid you adore. 
Your not supposed to feel alot of the shit you feel ... 
but you do.

Its not like your doing it on purpose. I know i don't intentionally go out of my way to feel the way i do just to spoil someone else's day.

Its hard to care about someone else's day when your focusing all your energy in just keeping going through yours. Watching the clock till every ones in bed and you can break down. 

Having depression and anxiety makes life so much harder.

I struggle to make myself get outta bed in the mornings cause I'm convinced something is going to happen. I'm constantly expecting the worst. My mind is the most venomous part of my body. Ideas and thoughts seep out and poison the rest of me.

This weekend i went to a stock car world final for the full weekend. 
Its not something i would have ever done off my own back purely for the fact that I hate big crowds. They freak me out. An example of how my mind works is i spent the entire Friday night on the verge of a panic attack cause i had that little voice in my head going 

"somethings gonna happen" 
"[Agent M] is gonna get hurt" 
"someones gonna do something" 
"your gonna get hurt" 
"[Agent M] is gonna get lost"
 "your gonna freak out"

I was so close to falling over the edge i just couldn't enjoy myself. I was close to tears 90% of the night.

But i couldn't let it show.

I can't ever let it show.

I have to be the strong mum. I have to be the girl Agent D first fell in love with. I have to be the dutiful daughter so as not to 'disappoint' a parent. I have to keep my shit together when all i seem to be doing is bursting at the seams.

Its hard.

I'm tired.

But as always I'll trundle along. Just not as fast as normal till the darkness starts to slip away again.
I'll keep going, being my own cheerleader. Reminding myself that I've done it before. That 'summer' will return. Maybe even for a few years. Maybe winter will never come back. I can only dream.

Till then ...