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I think I'm broken

I've been toying with the idea of writing this post for a wee while now.

We're in that time of year where everyone is supposed to be festive and jolly but all i feel i really sad and low.

And I'm not sure why.

I'd love to just be able to shake myself off and be fine. I'd love to be able to pin point exactly what is getting to me so i can fix it. I'd love to just take a magic pill or drink a special potion that will make me just be "normal"

But i cant.

No such shake will fix this ... I've tried
I've tried to pin point ... I don't know which is the cause.
I've tried the magic pill ... It isn't quite as magic as you think.

Christmas is a shitty time for me. There it is, I've said it!

Christmas was always the time when arguments would escalate or when I'd end up in tears cause I'm pushing myself harder and harder to make it special for Agent M or to make it as pleasant as possible for everyone involved.

I've not always been a Grinch.
Far from it! I used to be the one champing at the bit to put my tree up in November. I had presents bought by October and i was quite the Mrs Claus ... then the fights started.

My mum would be coming up to visit (i only really get to see her once or twice a year) and my ex would start having a go. Making it harder and harder for me. I used to have panic attacks about her coming up because he would trash the place and never help tidy up or he would make everyone so uncomfortable that it just wasn't worth it. If i had enough and started arguing back then it would escalate to the point that i couldn't see my mum. I couldn't risk her seeing me.

She would go home and i would be devastated that i missed my chance to see her. To hug her. To have her tell me she loved me cause by god i needed to know that someone did.

Since breaking up i had hoped my Christmas spirit would return but if anything its only got worse. I feel like I'm losing every bit of what i used to love. I'm changing but not for the better. I feel like I'm broken. Like the damage is permanent.

Oh god, how i seriously hope that's not what's happened. I don't wanna be broken forever.

Winter is most definitely upon me and its starting to affect my relationship with Agent D.

He seems to be getting annoyed with how I'm feeling tired all the time. I cant explain to him that i cant help it. I've tried to tell him that the medication I'm on makes me feel so drained some times but its like trying to describe a colour to a blind person. You can try to describe it but until you experience it yourself, you cant really understand it. He seems to be getting frustrated. Or is he? Is it just my feeling like crap that's making me feel like he's getting fed up?

I just feel so worthless these days.

I don't feel like I'm good enough for him. I feel like I'm a horrible mum cause i have to will myself to get out of bed in the morning. I have to plaster that generic smile on my face as we read books or while he tells me about all his minecraft ideas.

I'm always wearing this smile these days. The generic "hi, how are you?" "happy to be here" smile when all i want to do is scream out loud for no apparent reason.

I just want to feel better. I want to feel like i did not too long ago, Where i felt confident in myself. Not second guessing myself at every turn.

I want to feel better about myself.
I want to feel better about my parenting.
I want to feel better about my relationship.

I just don't know how!