Well, firstly i came from a 2 child family and i felt having a little sister helped keep me grounded as a child (as much as she drove me insane!). I always had a playmate and i have someone there which leads me onto the second reason. I don't what my child to feel alone. I know that sounds daft but i think about how when my parents pass away i (hopefully) will still have my sister there and she will have me. We wont have to deal with the heartache and grief alone and we will always have a family.

When i had Agent M, the pregnancy was horrific and the labour was like starting in my own horror movie. When i was diagnosed with Depression a few months after he was born by GP couldn't work out if it was PND or PTSD it was that bad and to be honest till Agent M was about 6 years old, i was hell bent i wasn't going to go through that again.

What if this time i didn't make it out the other end? What if i got depression worse the second time round?

It just wasn't worth the risk.

But now I'm starting to think that is a really selfish way to think. Now I'm wondering if i have put Agent M at a disadvantage because he is an only child?


I raised him as a single parent pretty much from the beginning. I have been mum, dad, cook, cleaner, banker, entertainer, monster hunter and general performing monkey from day dot and i have done it the best i can.

I feel that i have raised a well adjusted child (which is no small feat when you know our history) and I'm beyond proud of my little man and i have people tell me hes "a credit to me" but i cant help but feel like he's a little lonely.

Maybe its just me but when i see him play with other children, he seems to flourish more and when its time to go he seems so bumbed out. He will ask me all the time to play with him which only backs up my fear and when we are with friends who have younger siblings he tells me about the games they play and the things they do, almost with an air of jealously.


But then having a kid just so he has a playmate isn't a good reason to have a baby.

I do wonder what it would be like to have a baby with a support system in place. I wonder if  I got the chance would i be able to enjoy those first years. I never really relaxed when Agent M was little. Right up until he was 2 i can remember being constantly on edge, freaking out over the littlest thing. And being in a toxic relationship put even more pressure on me. This time I'd hope my partner would be exactly that ... A PARTNER! I have so much guilt over Agent M's infant years and i think i will forever wish i could have enjoyed it more and bonded with him quicker.

Having a baby isn't really an option anyway as Agent D is dead set against it. I know i want to be with him so i do have so silence that little voice inside that occasionally thinks it would be nice to have another child but then have i set Agent M up for a lonely life?

Big picture ... What happens when I'm no longer here? He'll be left on his own with no brother or sister to share the rest of his life with. He wont have nieces or nephews of his own (unless he has a partner with siblings). What happens when he needs someone and I'm not there. I know i will have my sister, but who will he have?

I don't know what its like to be an only child. I cant say how it changes you growing up but i know that having my sister there made me a better person. I learnt how to deal with different situations and how to interact with others from a young age. For years i had a partner in crime and even now as an adult she is the first person i would go to if i needed a shoulder to cry on or i needed to vent. We have had our differences in the past but i know that having her has made a big positive difference in my life. I'm her biggest cheerleader and i know she'll always be there to root for me too. She's my best friend as well as my sister.


Friends I've had in the past that were only children seem to have had real problems when it came to group actives. It was from one extreme that their opinion was the only one that mattered and everyone should follow it right along to one friend who just didn't know how to voice her opinion in a group. Of the two of them there was no in between and i did always wonder if that was cause they never learnt to compromise or to stand up for themselves. When there are siblings at home you do have to fight for attention at times and you definitely learn how to compromise.

I'm just terrified i put him at a disadvantage. Have i made things harder for him when he goes out in the big work world? Will be know how to fight for himself or will be he a wall flower?

I guess time will tell how much damage having depression will really have caused. It is possible he will cope well ... It is possible i have just made his life harder.

Fingers crossed its not the latter!