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Depression is ruining my life

I came to a harsh conclusion at 3am this morning ... Depression is ruining my life!

I sat on the side of the bath tub this morning sobbing uncontrollably for no reason i could understand. I was trying hard to pull my shit together and more importantly not wake anyone up, when i couldn't help but think about how having depression has made my life so fucking stressful!

Why cant i just go to bed at night and sleep? Why cant i just get up in the morning and go to college without having to panic? 

I'm freaking out that i wont make it in which will mean i will lose my bursary for the week. That's £93 i really need for bills and food and Christmas. Its not as if i have savings i can fall back on and i cant just pull that money out of my ass ... Then i will be missing college work which will put me behind, which in turn would add to my workload to catch up and if i cant do that then i will fail.

All because i cant just be fucking normal!

How is that fair?

I just keep thinking back to when this all started.

Having Agent M was (and still is) my biggest accomplishment. My heart bursts with pride and love when i think about that little boy and even after knowing that my body betrayed me by going bat shit crazy after giving birth, i wouldn't give him up for anything in the world.

I can remember the night in the hospital after i had him perfectly.

I was sitting on the bed with this tiny little person in front of me. I kept unwrapping him from his blanket to look at his tiny little toes, his tiny little feet that could both fit in one of my hands. Awe his tiny little hands with these tiny little nails. He seemed to fit perfectly in my arms like he was made to be there. He was i suppose. He was so tiny though. This perfectly formed little person that i helped create. A whole brand new life that i had started.
I also remember how i couldn't handle leaving him in that little fish tank thing they had next to the bed. I remember that i had to have him with me at all times. It didn't trust that i could go to sleep and leave him be.
Looking back that should have been a big warning sign. I kept moving the visitors chair to block anyone being able to sneak up next to him in that tank. This tiny precious little boy that i had to protect with my life. What i was worried about i genuinely couldn't tell you but i just remember that feeling of fear.

Agent M couldn't have been more wanted if i tried.

I love him with my whole being but for his first year of life i was scared shitless of him.
In the first weeks home from the hospital i had the usual influx of family coming to see him but i wasn't happy with everyone touching him. They all wanted a hold which i get ... its a new baby! They wanted to feed him and cuddle him but as soon as he got pissy, it was pass back to mum. I got jealous of everyone getting to bond with this tiny little person, getting kisses and cuddles when i got the shitty nappies and cleaning up the puke.

When it was just the two of us i felt like my son hated me.
Every time i picked him up he would start to cry. It seemed every time i fed him he would throw up. Every time i changed his nappy he would howl. Looking back now i can logically see that his crying when i changed his nappy was probably because He was cold. I was so terrified i would hurt him i was taking forever to change his nappy, treating him like he was made of spun sugar. He kept puking cause he had colic and that was sorted by only giving him an ounce or 2 between winding. He cried when i held him cause he probably sensed the tension. I've seen pictures taken where I'm holding the poor boy like hes a bomb.

Things did get better with him though. Nappy changes in under a minute and mummy cuddles became alot more common and it made me feel like a proper mum.

I feel like i started to bond properly with him when he was a toddler. Looking back I'm surprised at this cause he was a difficult toddler. He took the concept of terrible twos and ran with it but i can remember even after he screamed the house down cause i peeled his banana for him (how dare i) or in the night garden finished, he would always come to me for cuddles over everyone else. I could feel my heart melting with that wee man in my arms.

It was everyone else i couldn't trust. 
I was diagnosed with Post Natal Depression when he was 3 months old and its been a roller-coaster since then. 

I would have periods of time where everything seemed to be on an even keel. I could make my way though day to day life with nothing really bothering me. Then there were times that i wouldn't go to sleep as i was convinced that someone was going to break into the house and hurt us. His pram used to get pushed up against the front door so that if someone broke in i could hear them. I once thought i heard what sounded like my window being knocked so i sat in Agent M's room all night waiting for something to happen.
That isn't normal. I know that "normal" is a relative term but my mind was screwing with me something awful and it wasn't how it was supposed to be.

My relationship with Agent M's biological father took a scary turn then too. My depression seemed to be rubbing off on him and as i got more and more scared, he got more and more scary.

Through all the shouting and verbal abuse which eventually turned physical, i did everything i could to make sure Agent M had a somewhat stable life. It wasn't his fault that his mum was mentally defective and his father was a violent arsehole.

I'm kinda proud of myself when i look back at those times. I was more miserable than i ever thought possible but i still managed to get out of bed every morning and take him to nursery so i could go to work. Being the sole provider doesn't leave you with many options really.

Agent M was my own little rose. This perfect little bud that was blossoming through this field of shit that was our lives at the time and i think it was him that really gave me the strength to get out of that relationship. I had to make a change cause i was drowning and i couldn't pull him down with me. He turned out to be my little life boat.

I tried as best as i could to give Agent M everything that i could. I worked so many hours that i hardly got to spend proper time with him. I just had to make sure the bills were paid and there was food and warmth in the house.
I chose to have him, I had to provide for him. That was my job as a mum. 

In between work hours when i could spend time with him i crammed as much in as i could. Cinema trips, Days out, Days in on the sofa watching movies ... My whole life became about him.

I love being able to watch him grow up into this perfect young man.

Everyone tells me that he is a credit to me. I hear complements all the time about how he is such a polite boy, that he's so clever and that he has great manners.
My family are often in hysterics when he talks to them as he uses words that are so grown up and he'll hold a conversation like an adult.
The other day my gran asked him how he was and he replied "I'm good thanks, and how are you keeping?" ... Buckled!

He is my everything that boy. He is perfect and i am more than luck to have him in my life. I just hate that i cant be the mum that he deserves.

Right now i am typing this with tears in my eyes cause i don't know how the hell I'm gonna make it through the day let alone make it to Christmas.

I was having a few good days there and i guess i have been led into a false sense of security. The rug has been pulled from under me and I'm back to my twisted, trying not to have a panic attack self. I feel like I'm toxic sometimes and I'm shit scared that its going to rub off on Agent M. 

I tried to talk to Agent D about it but it started to get too much. I could see that look in his face when i told him that i felt stressed or like i was going to have a break down. That look that reminded me so much of my Ex. Like i was bothering him with my madness. It accumulated in an argument when he kept telling me that i "had nothing to be stressed about" when i decided i couldn't talk to him about it.
He tried to help and i appreciate that but he cant understand. He's never felt this hopeless and to be honest I'm scared that my continuing darkness will eventually push him away so i don't talk about it to him any more. I tend not to talk to anyone any more. I guess that's why i am writing this. Its like my own way of getting this poison out of my system without having to say it out loud. Without having to see the looks i the other persons eyes when i tell them i don't know if i can cope.

I guess the only thing i can do is what i do every other time i feel like I'm drowning ... I'll try as hard as i can to pull my shit together and go give my little life boat a kiss and cuddle.

I just hope that my depression doesn't start to pull him down with me.


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