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I'm not even sure I should write this.
I'm not even sure what I'm going to write but I feel like I need an outlet and I feel like that is part of what what my blog is for me. An outlet. Be it creatively, as a parent and now as someone coming to terms with their mental health.
I feel deflated.
For a little while I have been feeling somewhat bullied by someone who is in a position of authority in my life and for the longest time I thought it was all in my head. I felt that this person couldn't possibly be this horrible. Perhaps it was all in my head.
Yeah, it must have been in my head.
I found out yesterday, much to my humiliation that no its actually not in my head and that this is really happening. Why my humiliation? Well you see it happened in front of an audience and only when the reaction was "why is she treating you like that?" "Oh my god are you OK?" "That's bang out of order", did I actually realise that this isn't OK. It's not how it should be and that I needed help.
That help didn't come and rather than get the resolution I desperately needed, my mental health became almost a scape goat. An excuse for why this was all my fault. "maybe you're too sensitive" "maybe this isn't the right time for you with you're anxiety" ... I felt like my very existence yesterday was an inconvenience.
When I tried to talk to Agent D about my feelings, he stormed out of my house in order to go confront this problem thinking he was standing up for me. In some ways I can see his logic but the full blown panic attack he then left me in to deal with alone in front of Agent M had just made me feel even more vulnerable.
I don't like feeling this weak. I don't like feeling worthless but in all honestly I feel like bundling my son up and disappearing for a while. Maybe running away to my mum. Maybe just locking the world away for us.
I tried to put it out of my mind last night. It didn't work. All I kept thinking about was how it all unfolded. I kept playing over in my head how hurt I was that her bully tactics were almost justified because she was in a position of authority and it's just her way. It was turned around on my saying it was maybe my mental health and that I was "sensitive".
I spent last night, tired and hurt and angry at myself. So much I wanted to say in hindsight. If it was just me then why have other people also complained about her for the exact same thing? Why have her peers, also in a position of authority also made complaints about her methods and attitude? Surely we can't all be "sensitive"?
And why the hell did I apologise to her!!
I'm kicking my ass mentally for that one. I apologised to the bully. What an idiot I am!
I have now been left with a decision.
do i stay or do i go?
Honestly I don't know what to do. I feel like I'm just going to be brow beaten and I have nowhere to turn but if I leave I'm giving up and I don't know if I can live with that.
All I know is I feel so hurt and vulnerable that I could shatter if the wind changed directions.
Right now I am watching my beautiful little boy do his swimming and has such a smile on his face that I feel I owe it to him to give him a happy mum in return .
I just don't know which decision will give him that.