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Gratitude #1

Last year I tried to do a gratitude list each week and it was going well until my depression decided to kick my butt and my gratitude became "I managed to get dressed today" or "only cried twice today" ... not something I necessary felt grateful for to be honest.

But I'm wanting to start actively trying to improve my mood and with any luck my mental health will improve too. 

Rather than trying to find 3 things I'm grateful for each week though I have decided to focus on one thing a week. That way if things start to get me down again I can just focus on my one thing and hopefully I can pull myself together a little faster.

This week I am grateful that I am in the position mentally to start 2016 smiling. 

The last couple of months I wasn't doing so great and it really impacted not only my mental health but it started to effect me physically too. I was being sick for no reason I could think and my whole body started to ache. I was exhausted to the point that I was taking Agent M to school, coming home and sleeping, getting up to pick him up and trying hard to make it till he went to bed and then I would too ... I also damaged my neck/arm around the same time so being given strong pain killers didn't exactly help this sleeping my life away phase.

Things at home became affected too. Agent M noticed a big difference in my moods and actually out right asked me why I seemed so sad. It was hard trying to explain to an 8 year old how depression works bit thanks to the glory that is Disney's inside out, I think he was able to grasp why mummy was "acting strange".
It became an eye opener for Agent D too, who I don't think th the 2 years we have been together has ever experienced such a darkness with me. I am forever grateful that we pulled through that as there were a few rough weeks where I wasn't sure we were gonna make it.

I'm not going to say that I'm all better now as I have been dealing with this for a most 9 years now and I am only now beginning to accept that this is part of who I am. I have given up on the fairytale notion that I'm going to get better. Depression is like the herpes of the brain, you can clear the symptoms but the virus is always gonna be there so now I'm am trying to work out how to deal with it as part of who I am rather than hide it away like a dirty secret.
My name is Sarah-Jane and I have a mental illness.

But I am here. I made it and I matter.

With any luck 2016 will be the year that I finally learn to accept this as part of me and I'll be grateful for every day I have to do so.

Hugs xxx