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What's my next move?

Have you ever played chess before?

I like to think of life sometimes as a game of chess. You plan your moves in advance and try to advance until life takes your king and it all ends with a checkmate. It seems like a game of chance but in reality, its all strategically planned, each more carefully though out.


I guess that's why I've always tried to live life with my next move planned out. When i decided to become a mum, When i decided to get out of my toxic relationship, when i changed jobs, when i started my relationship with Agent D and when i started college. Every move was thought out and carefully planned, like a blue print for life that i would follow. Sure there were always variants that i couldn't control but the plan was always followed and honestly i felt safe knowing that there was always a back-up plan in place. It was my security blanket.

Well now i have no blanket.

And I'm so lost.

I had this plan in my mind that i would go to college, I would get my qualifications, i would work freelance during my study time and afterwards i would get a job in a salon. I would work on extra training like evening classes to build up extra skills such as nails and tanning, till i had a big enough client base. I would make money to provide for Agent M and i. Agent D has been talking about us moving to England, If we did, we would all live together and i would be able to take the skills i have learnt down with me, working down in England, Maybe one day owning my own salon.

It was all planned and was on track for the first year and a half. Then my confidence was knocked by someone in a position of authority. This person completely destroyed my love for the industry and honestly, used my mental health against me. I feel broken and i have no idea what I'm going to do with my life as the ramifications from all this have left me without my second years qualification. Although i am trying my hardest and breaking my back to get my clients in and pass, I'm running out of time and honestly i don't see it happening any more.

I feel hurt but yet I'm not allowed to show it. I cant cry over it cause i cant let everyone know how sad i am. I cant scream, no matter how much i want to because I'm mum and i have to be strong. I cant confide in Agent D as he's just about to start a new job, going down his own path. I feel like I'm not allowed to say it but honestly ... I'm really scared.


I have responsibilities. I have Agent M to take care of. I have to set an example to him that you have to work for what you get and yet i have no idea what I'm going to do. I don't want to go back to call centre work but i don't have the experience in anything else. I'm so disheartened with Hairdressing just now that the idea of working in a salon has educed panic attacks since all this happened. 

I don't know where my life is going and for the first time i can remember, i don't have a plan. I have no idea what my next move is ... and I'm bloody terrified!