Let me preface this post with a trigger warning. I would hate to think that in trying to come to terms with my feelings, i inadvertently hurt someone else.

I feel conflicted today.

Today marks a hard anniversary for me and I'm struggling with how i should feel about it.

Twelve years ago i lost what would have been my second pregnancy. I felt different about it from the very start. Probably because i had already been through a miscarriage so i kind of accepted it had happened easier. Or perhaps it was because i wasn't going through that one alone. Whatever the reason, the second verse was different from the first.

I guess that was probably why i hated every second of my 3rd pregnancy with Agent M. Although i was happy to physically be pregnant with him and progress through the full 3 trimesters, i was a nervous wreck. To be honest I'm surprise he wasn't born pulling his hair out and biting his wee nails into stumps with all the tension and anxiety he must have sensed in there.

Luckily he was born a happy health 7lb 9oz of pure love. Even with horror movie that was his birth and the shit show that followed i would do it again a million times over for my little rainbow baby. He is my everything. My beautiful son that will forever walk this world holding a big piece of my heart.


But i cant help thinking about the tiny pieces that broke off before him. I really don't know how to put into words the feeling of total loss. Its completely different to losing someone else like for example a grandparent. I have experienced that loss. I guess it might be similar to losing a parent or a sibling? But i thankfully haven't experienced that. No losing a pregnancy is something completely different i think and until you experience it (which i hope with all my heart you never do) you cant really "get it". And that's OK.

Those two little wonders though are always with me. They are always going to be part of me. That missing part. Those two missing pieces of my heart that will never ever be filled. Each year on the 1st of September and the 13th of December i light my little candle and shed a tear over my favourite little what if's. I cant help it. But am i being in some way disrespectful of Agent M?

As much as he completed my life and in a way gave my life meaning, i cant just forget about before. Although i didn't hold them with my hands, i held them in my body, they existed and they are remembered and they are missed.

I guess I'm just scared that Agent M ever feels like he isn't enough for me cause that's 100% not the case. He is all i ever wanted and i wouldn't change anything about him or the losses i had to go through to get him ... but at the same time my twinkling stars deserve to be remembered too.

Like i said. Conflicted.

I suppose there is nothing really i can do to resolve the worry. I will always think of them and i will always worry I'm disrespecting Agent M.
I guess that's just how it will always be.