As i grew up i started to question the whole concept of "God". I asked questions in the older chapter of the Sunday school (known as the Covenanters) which was met with answers i didn't like, normally passing the blame to the "devil" for all the worlds problems or the standard "read your bible, all the answers are in there".

As a teen that is a crappy response, especially when your having a crisis of faith.

Then my papa died and i pretty much lost my faith completely.

Around the time that my parents marriage broke down in spectacular fashion, my papa passed away and i really couldn't cope with it all. We had stopped going to church long before that but i did still believe. The when he passed away, all everyone said to me was that he was in a "better place" which was like a slap in the face. I adored my papa. I was close to him and i really felt that out of all my grandparents, he was the one that "got me". I used to watch Hammer Horror movies with him. We would discuss the pros and cons of life now compared to like when he was younger and we would talk about Art and i would draw for him replicas of his own artwork. He would let me sneak a chocolate lime sweet out of his tub and we would giggle thinking Granny didn't notice (though she probably did). I was inconsolable when he died and still to this day i get emotional when i think of him and how i wish so hard that he could have lived to see Agent M ... Who i think he would have got on great with.

I think i started to lose faith because i seen him deteriorate in front of me. He was a small man anyway but towards the end looked so fragile, and his spirit was so broken. I couldn't believe that a God who was great and powerful would/could allow someone so amazing to suffer so much. It seemed cruel. It made more sense to me that life was just a dick.

When i lost my first pregnancy i completely lost faith in any God. I couldn't accept what was going on and telling me that it was part of "Gods Plan" was as good as saying my imaginary friend says suck it up. There was no higher power at play here. Life just smacked me down and there was no guiding hand to help me up. I was alone in this and that's how it was always gonna be.

Years have passed and when asked i would describe myself as an atheist. It has caused problems with some members of my family with things like getting Agent M christened. I refuse point blank to do it even though i was christened, as i cant stand up there and promise i will raise him in the church. It would be a lie and I'm not going to do that. When I'm asked questions by Agent M about things he has learnt in school i answer them honestly but he knows that i don't believe and he knows that he is free to choose his own belief system. Just cause i don't think there is a God doesn't mean he has to. His beliefs are his own and he has chosen what makes sense to him.

But there are times when i do miss having that faith.

Sometimes i feel jealous of those who still believe. It must be so refreshing to have faith that everything will work out alright in the end. And the idea of seeing family that have passed must be comforting but more than anything i miss the feeling that I'm safe. Knowing that things happen for a reason and that someone is always looking out for you has to be better than the feeling of being totally alone.

When i believed in God i knew that when i died, i would go somewhere special and that i would one day be reunited with everyone i have lost. Now i know that i came into this world alone and i will leave it alone. That's a terrifying thought but one that i have made.

If I'm totally honest with myself, I do wish i still drank the cool-aid.