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Mentally Ch(ill) - August

It’s been a tough month.

I’ve only managed to get out the house once or twice and then I’ve pretty much been hauled up in my room the whole time.

The pain in my abdomen has been coming and going which has become almost unbearable at times. When this happens, I’ve been filling the bath with hot water, doubling up on my paracetamol/ibuprofen cocktail and crying it out. Unfortunately, my mental health is taking a kicking too. I’m not sure if it’s because of the pain or if I was gonna have a bad spell anyway, but either way it’s definitely not helped.

To be open and honest, I’ve just been wanting to sleep my days (and pain) away which isn’t healthy, but I can’t really say I care at this point. I do try and keep myself busy with working on the store or drawing but since the only comfy position I can be in is curled in a ball with my hot water bottle, it doesn’t really lend itself to being productive.

It does bother me that M has pretty much become a mini carer just now. He’s on hand to refill my hot water bottle and offers to make me tea when he comes home from school. He’s started bringing me food too which is so sweet but honestly the idea of eating is daunting as the pain makes me feel like I’m gonna be sick. I feel a bit like a failure as a mum on those days as it’s like my kid is taking care of me when I should be taking care of him. When I talk to him about it however, he sees no issue. He just sees it as mum is sore and sick, so he is helping make me “feel better”. He’s such a good soul and I don’t know what I would do without him.

So instead I have been trying to take it one day at a time. Survive the worst days as best as I can and on my good days, try and get as much done as I can. So long as the house is clean and there is food in the fridge, I call it a win.

I do burn out quick though which sucks. When B comes down to visit on my bad days, the most we can do is snuggle up and watch movies in between my melt downs. I feel like it’s not fair on him as his girlfriend is an emotional mess but then when I apologise I’m reminded that he loves me no matter what and that my bad days are just a tiny part of our life together. Plus, he loves to just chill on his days off, so it suits him to get lots of cuddles and watch TV. So, I know I should just accept this is how it is just now, but my guilt is strong.

I feel completely useless across the board and it’s just making me want to retreat from the world and hide away under my blankets like the goblin I am.

I just need to take it a day at a time and ride it out as best as I can.