First off i want to advise this post comes with a Trigger Warning.
So as you may have noticed i have been off line for a while. I felt i had to as i was having a really rough time and i didn't want that to convey in my posts. Its took me a while to get back on an even keel but i'm getting there. Part of it is sharing so others don't feel as alone.
At the beginning of December i went to a doctors appointment which i assumed would be routine but turned out to be mind altering. You see the nurse found a lump.Years ago we discovered that there is a gene in our family which makes you more prone to breast cancer and since then i have been quite vigilant about checking. Silly me that i didn't actually realise i was checking wrong.
The reason i went to the doctors in the first place was i discovered my nipple was 'leaking'. And when the leaking turned to blood in my bra - i decided it was time to get a second opinion. I went assuming it was an infection but knew the nurse would insist on checking my breasts for any abnormalities. Did you know that you should check under/in your arm pits? I didn't! So when she found a lump i was floored.
It was a scary few weeks till i went to the hospital for my mammogram. As you can imagine i had many thoughts going through my head. I had horrible thoughts that Agent M was going to be left alone. Every time something sad came on the TV i was in tears. I spent the first 20 minutes of Fantastic beasts in tears terrified that i wasn't going to be around when the movies previewed came out.
I have always had a love hate relationship with my boobies. I have an 'ample bosom' and where many women would love to have a large natural chest, i haven't always liked them. They are heavy and they draw attention to me which i don't like. You find the nasty side of sexism when you have big boobs. At the same time my breasts (rightly or wrongly) make me feel more feminine. They had the ability to nurture my child (though i don't hold it against them that Agent M couldn't latch on - it happens). But when the lump was discovered - I felt like i was carrying a bomb around on my chest. One that could go off at any moment and ruin my life.
I felt really alone. I didn't really have the opportunity to talk to anyone as i didn't want to make it public unless there was something to tell. As much as Agent D was physically there, he just kept saying "you'll be fine" which didn't help as i just wanted to talk about my fears. Re-reading my journal from that time, i was in a really dark place. Its only afterwards that i found there are loads of groups i could have spoken to and many of them online so i could have spoke to someone in my darkest hours (night time while Agent M slept).
On the day of my appointment, i didn't actually want to go in. I was convinced that if i didn't know - then nothing would be final. I didn't want to hear it was bad news.
Looking back i realised how lucky i was. I was sat in the waiting room with other women who may have been diagnosed, some who may be going through treatments. Some who may have the all clear. It was pure luck on my part that i ended up being in the latter group. When i was examined by the doctor it turned out that the lump was actually a cyst and the nipple leakage was "perfectly normal".
I could have cried with relief when the doctor told me. I know that not every woman who has the same experience will get the same diagnosis.
So what is the reason for me sharing this?
Well after i spoke to some family/friends after it was all resolved. Only one woman knew to check under her armpits and 2 didn't know how to check at all.
So this is me sharing my experience and how to actually check your breasts. I want women to know that yes it might be scary but that finding a lump doesn't need to be the end of it. I was terrified and i could quite happily have burred my head in the sand but then i know my mental health would be even worse than it was.
Not every lump is bad - The NHS website has lots of information on other possibilities. But it is important to keep checking your boobies. Cause even if it is bad, its better to know early on as there is more that can be done.
Below is a video of how to check your breasts - Obviously it contains a topless woman but its important to know.
If you do discover any lumps or bumps its important to go to the doctors. I know its scary (trust me) but its better to know and get it sorted than to leave it blowing in the wind.
There are many support groups you can also contact
Breast Cancer Care in the UK
Lump to laughter in the USA
Please remember that you are not alone - and that no matter what, you are a wonder woman and can get through anything
Hugs xxx
