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I wish i still drank the cool-aid

When i was younger my family were religious. Church was a weekly family activity with my little sister and i splitting off and going to Sunday school. I used to read the bible stories and when asked could rhyme off the books of the old testament in order. It was just what we did and i didn't know any better.

As i grew up i started to question the whole concept of "God". I asked questions in the older chapter of the Sunday school (known as the Covenanters) which was met with answers i didn't like, normally passing the blame to the "devil" for all the worlds problems or the standard "read your bible, all the answers are in there".

As a teen that is a crappy response, especially when your having a crisis of faith.

Then my papa died and i pretty much lost my faith completely.

Around the time that my parents marriage broke down in spectacular fashion, my papa passed away and i really couldn't cope with it all. We had stopped going to church long before that but i did still believe. The when he passed away, all everyone said to me was that he was in a "better place" which was like a slap in the face. I adored my papa. I was close to him and i really felt that out of all my grandparents, he was the one that "got me". I used to watch Hammer Horror movies with him. We would discuss the pros and cons of life now compared to like when he was younger and we would talk about Art and i would draw for him replicas of his own artwork. He would let me sneak a chocolate lime sweet out of his tub and we would giggle thinking Granny didn't notice (though she probably did). I was inconsolable when he died and still to this day i get emotional when i think of him and how i wish so hard that he could have lived to see Agent M ... Who i think he would have got on great with.

I think i started to lose faith because i seen him deteriorate in front of me. He was a small man anyway but towards the end looked so fragile, and his spirit was so broken. I couldn't believe that a God who was great and powerful would/could allow someone so amazing to suffer so much. It seemed cruel. It made more sense to me that life was just a dick.

When i lost my first pregnancy i completely lost faith in any God. I couldn't accept what was going on and telling me that it was part of "Gods Plan" was as good as saying my imaginary friend says suck it up. There was no higher power at play here. Life just smacked me down and there was no guiding hand to help me up. I was alone in this and that's how it was always gonna be.

Years have passed and when asked i would describe myself as an atheist. It has caused problems with some members of my family with things like getting Agent M christened. I refuse point blank to do it even though i was christened, as i cant stand up there and promise i will raise him in the church. It would be a lie and I'm not going to do that. When I'm asked questions by Agent M about things he has learnt in school i answer them honestly but he knows that i don't believe and he knows that he is free to choose his own belief system. Just cause i don't think there is a God doesn't mean he has to. His beliefs are his own and he has chosen what makes sense to him.

But there are times when i do miss having that faith.

Sometimes i feel jealous of those who still believe. It must be so refreshing to have faith that everything will work out alright in the end. And the idea of seeing family that have passed must be comforting but more than anything i miss the feeling that I'm safe. Knowing that things happen for a reason and that someone is always looking out for you has to be better than the feeling of being totally alone.

When i believed in God i knew that when i died, i would go somewhere special and that i would one day be reunited with everyone i have lost. Now i know that i came into this world alone and i will leave it alone. That's a terrifying thought but one that i have made.

If I'm totally honest with myself, I do wish i still drank the cool-aid.

HP Sprocket Review

For a while now i have been looking at hand held printers, half with curiosity and half with almost an obsession.

I take a lot of photographs and there is something about the idea of a portable printer that i just love. Especially since this year i have decided to give memory journalling a try.

I have watched You Tube video after You Tube video of comparisons with them all and after to-ing and fro-ing i decided i would be brave and buy one.

So let me introduce you to my new HP Sprocket.

Why did i decide to go with this particular printer? Well for me the deciding factor was the quality of prints that they seem to give out. Talking to other users and watching the videos, it seemed to me that the HP gave the best quality. Compared to the Polaroid Snap in particular i liked that i could zoom in on the app allowing me to focus the image on what mattered. I also downloaded the apps prior to deciding which one i would buy so i could get a feel for them. The HP has a lot more frames and "stickers" which you can decorate your images with before printing which became the cherry on the sundae for me.

So let me show you what is what.

Needing a break after the Christmas break

Oft ... I cant believe its the 11th of January all ready. I've still not 100% recovered from the Christmas break yet either. I feel like i need another break.

I don't know why i ever expect the Christmas holiday to be relaxing ... You have more activities that you need to find time for, more family and friends to visit which means more hugging and if you have a horrible immune system like me, more time spent getting over all the bugs you have picked up from people.

Christmas is with out a doubt the busiest holiday EVER!

Thankfully we are getting back into our routine - Up early for school, having my morning coffee while paroozing pinterest and I've finally caught up with the mount crumpit sized washing pile. I can see the bottom of the basket and its beautiful :)

With the new year comes lots of new possibilities ... I don't make resolutions anymore as they never seem to stick but instead and continuing to work towards my 101 things in 1001 days and setting myself goals at the beginning of each month that i am wanting to hit.

One thing I'm trying hard to do is find balance between life, my Etsy and my blog ... Here's hoping 2018 is the year i finally learn how to juggle it all.

Fingers crossed


Let me preface this post with a trigger warning. I would hate to think that in trying to come to terms with my feelings, i inadvertently hurt someone else.

I feel conflicted today.

Today marks a hard anniversary for me and I'm struggling with how i should feel about it.

Twelve years ago i lost what would have been my second pregnancy. I felt different about it from the very start. Probably because i had already been through a miscarriage so i kind of accepted it had happened easier. Or perhaps it was because i wasn't going through that one alone. Whatever the reason, the second verse was different from the first.

I guess that was probably why i hated every second of my 3rd pregnancy with Agent M. Although i was happy to physically be pregnant with him and progress through the full 3 trimesters, i was a nervous wreck. To be honest I'm surprise he wasn't born pulling his hair out and biting his wee nails into stumps with all the tension and anxiety he must have sensed in there.

Luckily he was born a happy health 7lb 9oz of pure love. Even with horror movie that was his birth and the shit show that followed i would do it again a million times over for my little rainbow baby. He is my everything. My beautiful son that will forever walk this world holding a big piece of my heart.