I've been experiencing some parent guilt this weekend. Or Probably more specifically mammy guilt.

Shabba enjoying my freshly made bed

This weekend i have been alone as Agent M is away with his Papa and Agent D is away with the boys from work.

I have had mixed feelings about it though.

One one hand i have missed them like crazy and i cant wait for them to come back but on the other i have kind of enjoyed how lovely and clean the house has been. I have enjoyed binge watching the X-Files on Amazon Prime and i have definitely enjoyed getting to wake up on my own without alarms, the boys or anything.

But for some reason that enjoyment makes me feel kinda guilty. I feel like i should be sitting by the door like a little lost puppy waiting for my owners to come home. That's what a 'good' mum would do right?

Hell No! A good mum knows when to take the opportunity for down time. And there is absolutely nothing wrong with needing some alone time as a parent.

I may have done nothing really with my weekend but i feel refreshed for having it. I got a lot of work done for my store and i enjoyed my own company which is no small feat when you have my brain. No I'm not going to let myself spoil this weekend.

I've enjoyed the peace but I'm excited to have my boys back.

Nine days ago an article popped up on my Facebook news feed. Chester Bennington, lead singer of Linkin Park had taken his own life aged 41.

I was gutted.

Photograph by Tibor Bozi / Redux

I hurt for the memories i had growing up listening to his music. I hurt for his family. His wife and 6 kids that now have to find a way to continue without him. His extended family, his band mates who undoubtedly have this void in their lives. But more importantly i hurt for him. Because i understand the pain he was in and i can relate to feeling like you just cant cope.

I am just sorry that he lost his fight.

Its unpopular my views on suicide. I don't agree with it by any stretch but i get why it can seem like the only way. I have seen it from both sides of the coin so i feel i have quite a good understanding of both arguments.

When i was younger i had a close member of my family attempt to take their on life, on more than one occasion. At the time i was incredibly frustrated and harboured quite a lot of hate towards them. I only understood it from a child's point of view. It was selfish and it felt almost like an attack on us. Were we not good enough as a family to want to stay?

To a certain extent suicide is a selfish act. But not in how you might think. Suicide is the last resort. It can often seem like the only solution when medicine and support just cant ease the constant pain. Unless you have spent extended periods of your life in constant pain or misery then you cant fully comprehend why someone might think suicide is a valid option. In that respect suicide is selfish cause the person in despair is choosing not to be in pain anymore.

I love to paint. I first learnt about the different mediums when i was at school and since then i have always had some form of paint project on the go at any one time.