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A Grimm world book day

Its world book day and now M is older we don’t get to have the fun dress-up days.

Instead for world book day I upload a new book for him (and I) onto our kindles. This year for I got M got the Skulduggery Pleasant omnibus (1-3 of the series) and I got the original Grimm fairy tales.

I’m very happy with my choice.

I grew up on these stories – The real ones, sans the Disney filter. They are more gruesome than what Walt put out, they were after all Grimm tales, which in my opinion are much better than the Disney versions.

Snow white for example.

We all know the evil queen had some deep-seated hatred for Snow White, and in both versions she tasks a huntsman to take her out into the woods and kill her, but where Disney requests a heart (yeah kinda grim), the original huntsman was asked to bring back organs as proof, liver and lung specifically. The huntsman chickens out of killing the 7 year old and instead brings back boar organs which the evil queen proceeds to EAT (remember she believes its Snow White!).

When she finds out the truth she loses her shit and tries to kill Snow White not once but 3 times. First suffocation via a corset, second a comb laced with poison. Both of attempts foiled by the dwarfs before the Queen succeeds with a poison apple. It doesn’t actually kill her though, more like she didn’t chew properly, and it got stuck. But she gets stored in a glass coffin none the less. 

The original doesn’t include the saved by the Prince bit either. Nope she’s dropped by some clumsy dwarves and is launched out her coffin which knocks the apple chunk out of her throat, magically bringing her back around. There is a happy ending though, kinda, the prince and Snow White (remember she’s only 7 btw) get hitched. Yay I guess. And to celebrate the nuptials? The evil queen is the evening’s entertainment, being forced to dance herself to death in iron shoes filled with burning coals. Now that’s better than any wedding DJ.

Cinderella is another one that got quite the clean-up.

First off, the “ugly sisters” weren’t so much ugly on the outside as twisted sisters on the inside. And they wanted to rock … All over poor Cinders self-esteem. They pinched all her stuff as sisters are wont to do, but they also treated her like live-in help. All pretty much the same as the Disney version, right? Except daddy dearest isn’t dead like in the Disney version. Nope, he’s very much alive and seems to either not notice his only daughter being tortured or he’s so into the new step mum that he doesn’t even care. That’s for the ye old social workers to decide.

One day he’s leaving for a work trip and asks the 3 girls what they want brought back as a gift. The stepsisters in their infinite materialistic ways asked for dresses and jewellery, but Cinderella wanted a branch from a tree. They each got their gifts when he returned, and Cinders planted the tree on her mums grave where she goes every day to cry. She cries so much in fact that her tears water the branch, eventually growing into this big tree. She continues to cry under the tree till one day this bird (presumably fed up of her wailing) comes down and offers her a wish. She eventually chose to have a beautiful gown of silver and gold.

Why did she ask for that you wonder? Well, the King is throwing a weekend long festival to pimp out his son and after jumping thorough the hoops the step-monster demanded, which was done with the help of a bunch of birds, she was left home alone and pretty pissed she wasn’t allowed to go. Not a kindly fairy godmother in sight.

So, in the dress, she goes to the festival where the Prince picks her out of all the other women simply on sight alone, and they danced all night. Only thing is the Prince wanted to check her pedigree and since she couldn’t exactly admit to the family that she was there, she done a runner. No pumpkin carriage to help her she gets back home safe before her captors family get back. Next day negligent dad and the abusive step bitches all went to the festival for more celebrations and again Cinderella got a dress from the birds in the tree, this time a much nicer one than before (they took sewing lessons during the night), and away she went to dance. Again, the Prince was stunned by how pretty she looked and refused to dance with anyone but Cinders. Come home time, she done a mad dash again to escape the (kinda stalker-y at this point) Prince and get back before the rest of them get home.

Last day of what must now be one huge bender, the family all go out to the festive, sans Cinders. She gets the best dress ever from the birds, who are now being head hunted by Vera Wang, and she gets to the festival to find the Prince waiting on her with what by this point must have the bluest balls in Europe. When she decides it’s time to leave, she loses her golden slipper on the boobytrapped stairs. She gets home safe minus a shoe and the Prince decides that he is going to troll the whole area to find the owner and marry her. Keep in mind, he knows NOTHING about her other than she’s hot!

Armed with the golden slipper (not glass like Disney) he gets the stepsisters to try it on. The eldest couldn’t get her big clown feet in this wee barbie shoe so her mum handed her a knife and told her to remove her big toe to make it fit.. She did and the Prince, believing her to be the woman from the festival, takes her away to the castle to get hitched. On the way to the palace though, they pass the grave and the birds in tree yob the sister in as being a liar. Back to the house to get the other sister to try on the (what is now a blood filled) shoe, but her heel is too wide. So the mum again gives her daughter a knife and tells her to lop a little off the back of her heel. She does and the Prince again thinks it’s the girl from the dance and off they go. Passing the tree on the grave, the birds once again tell him that he has the wrong woman, only this time rather than trust what is clearly an idiot to find her, they land on Cinders. She is the woman from the festival, and they ride back to the castle to get hitched.

The two sisters, realised they were going to get left out of all the fun and money, decide to get back on Cinders good graces by attending the wedding. However, the birds, who had to listen to all the crap they put cinders through decided to take matters into their own beaks and peck the sisters eyes out leaving them blinded for the rest of their lives.

Karma? Perhaps, but at least they can’t pick on poor Cinders anymore. So they kinda deserve it TBH.

There are so many other equally gruesome stories in the book (200+ Grimm tales) and I can’t wait to read them all … Why no-one has thought to make horror versions is beyond me.