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New but not improved

"What is something you miss?"


I miss the SJ that could just pop out to the shops whenever she wanted and that could take her wee boy away to Edinburgh for the weekend without giving it a second thought. Who didn't have a panic attack in busy shopping centres or have to think up contingency plans should she start to hear that ringing in her ears.

I miss the SJ that could sleep every night without every possible bad thought or memory come flashing back. I miss the girl who could laugh at the random things without caring if anyone made fun of her laugh or thought she was “kinda weird”. Who didn't care if other judged her as she was living her life how she wanted.

I miss the SJ that trusted people off the bat. That didn’t quantify making new friends on how quickly they could kill her if she upset them. Who didn’t need to have an escape plan all the time. Who could believe someone could love her for her, without the thought goblins being able to brainwash her into thinking it was all an elaborate ruse.

I miss the confident girl who was kind to everyone and could start a conversation with anyone about anything. Who smiled cause she felt happy, not the one who smiles cause she knows that’s what people prefer to see.

But she’s gone. And she can’t come back. 

So, I have to learn to love this new SJ and try and adapt her ways to more congenial. I need to learn how to make this "new and definitely not improved" version function in the world.

Its hard to feel like a stranger in your own body sometimes though.